1. Determine if the buffalo lives and/or works in Thailand. If he does, attempt to seal the deal quickly. There is very little chance that we will be able to put our hands in his wallet other than for this one-off transaction. He knows too much and will be a hard target. He might even have good contacts if we trick him, deceive him or steal from him so unless he is exceptionally handsome and/or rich, try and get him to go short time and then return to the bar to find a tourist.
Tourists are the more profitable customers because, when they go back to their country, they send you money. Also, if he has a cheap neck tie, scuffed and unpolished cheap leather shoes, is wearing white socks with business trousers and leather shoes or simply seems reluctant to buy you a drink, ask him if he is an English teacher. If he is, forget giving him the respect we give to Thai ajarns and quickly move on to the next customer. English teachers earn in a month what we earn in a week so there are no exceptions!
2. Give your phone number and email address to every customer (except English teachers because they will call and e-mail you incessantly looking for free boom boom). Even the buffalo who smells bad, the buffalo with the hairy back and the buffalo who refused to shower should be given your contact details.
Encourage him to contact you when he returns to his country. When he does, the internet shop manager can write you an e-mail explaining why he should send you some money – sick buffalo, ill parent or sibling, tsunami etc. And don’t worry, you’re not lying so this is not bad karma. All of these things happen, they just may not be happening right now. If he is Khun Jai Dee he will send 20,000 baht or more.
Mr. Kee-neow will send less and lie about the £ or $ being weak. They’re not. They are still the same colour as before. We have seen them and they haven’t changed. Liars! Never give up. E-mail him every month. If after 6 months he has not sent you money, tell him it is your birthday in a few days. They all fall for that but it is usually something miserable like 5,000 baht. Cheap bastards.
3. Always tell the buffaloes that Thai men are no good. “Thai man no good” should be said to every customer. They hear it enough and they believe it. If the buffalo ever sees you with your pua (husband, coarse Thai) dropping you off to work on his motorbike or eating noodle soup after you have done a short time, just say it is your brother.
4. If you’re aged under 25 then get you hair dyed blonde, orange or other bright colour and apply for a job at a bar popular with Japanese. Baccarra in Soi Cowboy and Rainbow 2 and Rainbow 4 in Nana Plaza are good choices. The Japanese customers are the best because of the rule of 4s (4 inches, 4 minutes, 4,000 baht).
But remember that you have to make as much as you can from them now because they are different to the buffaloes and seldom send money when they go home. Anyway, their English sucks, yeah it is even worse than ours, so don’t bother giving them any contact details.
5. There are many bad men who try to stop us making money from the buffalo. Be careful of the man who asks many questions, buys lots of drinks but does not barfine us. He is the devil. Also, be careful of men who take your photo with digital cameras. They put it in the internet and now everyone can see us. If a buffalo is sending you money and he sees your photo on the internet then maybe he will stop!
6. The buffaloes roo mark (know too much) these days. Thai language schools are becoming as ubiquitous as 7 Eleven stores and even some come for a holiday speak decent Thai. They are devious, these foreign buffaloes, anguys who d they listen to what we are saying and pretend they do not understand. How dare they?!
When we talk together, use Lao or Khmer dialects because the buffalo are always looking to trick us, the devils. But be careful, some of them even understand those dialects. The buffaloes get trickier all the time.
7. If you meet a rich, generous buffalo, invite him to your village. Make sure the whole village knows that there will be a welcome dinner when he arrives and everyone is invited. He will pay. Make sure you negotiate a 10% commission with the restaurant before you go. Don’t let him stay in a hotel but in the family house.
Let him see and feel what a traditional Thai home feels like. He will take pity on us and if we play it right, he will offer to build us a new house. Send your Thai pua to a neighbour’s house for a few days but if they will not take him, introduce him as your brother. If you already have a house built by one buffalo, go to an aunt or uncle’s house and introduce them as your family. The same rules apply. If you are good, you might get two houses or more…!
8. Locate all of the offices for Western Union and Moneygram. Collect the free leaflets and give to the buffalo so they know how to send us money. Open different bank accounts and always have one bank account book with you at all times with a balance under 1,000 baht. Update it frequently so it looks like it is your main account.
The book for the account that has most of your money must be hidden and the buffalo must never ever see it. We know the buffalo aren’t aren’t clever so we have to make it easy for them.
9. Join the ‘3 AM Club’. Every bar has a 3 AM club which comprises a bunch of the younger girls in the bar. Befriend them and make sure that you have their phone numbers stored in your phone. If they have gone with a customer, call them at 3 AM and tell them where you are. When the phone rings they will be with a buffalo and can make an excuse to leave. “My friend lost key for loom.” “Mother come from province to visit me.”
“Baby is sick and must go to ban nok to take care.” They will come and meet you and you can now go and play cards for the money you made tonight, or go as a group and a hire a nice hard-bodied Thai boy for the night, or if you have a boyfriend or husband, go to him. Don’t worry about the buffalo you’re with in the hotel loom.
Whatever was agreed earlier with the buffalo doesn’t matter. Tell him you must go and that you will collect money for long time service. If he protests, start screaming and yelling at him. Threaten to smash his laptop or camera. Tell him you will go to the police. If there is a balcony, threaten to jump off. Only a few minutes yelling and screaming is the difference between 1,500 and 3,000 baht.
10. Have two mobile phones and make sure one is an older, cheap model. Make sure the buffalo only sees the cheap one. If he forces you to go long time, give him the morning session of his life and then take him straight to Tuk Com. After you have eaten (order as much as you can and take the bulk home to eat that evening), take him to Level 2 where all of the mobile phone vendors are. Find the newest most expensive phone you can and stare at it.
Make sure he sees some tears in your eyes and don’t leave until he buys it for you. If he resists, start crying. The buffaloes do anything when we cry. If he buys mobile phone, stay with him and a few days later take him to a gold shop. Repeat the steps until he buys the gold. Take both to the pawn shop and sell them as soon as he leaves.